Clown Without Pity’s 2014-2015 NBA Playoff Predictions!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy, here we go: the NBA Playoffs! The playoff bracket has finally been set, and I breathed a big sigh of relief this past Wednesday because the Spurs did not land the #4 or #5 spot, which would have meant an encounter in the second round with my beloved Warriors. Did you see what I did there? I’m already assuming that the Warriors and Spurs will advance past the opening round! Okay, okay—I’ve got to slow down. Getting ahead of myself here.

Before I go into my round by round predictions, here’s a couple of executive summary-like thoughts:



1) Two months ago I was not buying that the Warriors could win it all. I just didn’t believe they had earned enough Boy Scout badges to lead the troop. I’ve changed my tune since then. I think they have a really good shot. (Much more on this later.)
2) As a Warriors fan, there’s only one team I truly fear: the Spurs
3) Like NBA gambler Haralabos Voulgaris, I believe there are only three legit title contenders this year: the Warriors, Spurs, and the Cavaliers.
4) If I had to round out the top five teams heading into the 2014-2015 playoffs, I would say it’s the Clippers and Hawks—and in that order.
5) Unlike the 2013-2014 NBA Playoffs, which arguably had the greatest opening round ever with 5 of the 8 series going the distance and a record 8 games decided in overtime, I don’t think this year’s opening round will be as exciting. However, I think the conference semifinals and final rounds have the potential to provide a few epic series that will be talked about for years.

On that note, here’s my opening round predictions starting with the Eastern Conference, which will be less exciting like in recent years:

(1) Atlanta Hawks vs. (8) Brooklyn Nets

The Hawks are good. The Nets are not. Hawks in 5.

(2) Cleveland Cavaliers vs. (7) Boston Celtics

Ever since their record dipped to 19-20, the Cleveland Cavaliers have been a scorching 34-9. Nothing like a team-bonding event to a bowling alley in Los Angeles to change the landscape of the NBA season! Boston’s an up and coming team. Brad Stevens is a fucking jedi of a coach so I think they’ll pull off one win. Team LeBron in 5.

(3) Chicago Bulls vs. (6) Milwaukee Bucks

The Bulls won the season series 3-1 but I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if the Bucks push the Bulls to the brink in this series. Probably going to be the most captivating first-round series in the Eastern Conference. (That’s not saying much.) Kidd’s coached the Bucks to respectability but Thibodeau consistently squeezes all the collective will out of his squads come playoff time. Bulls in 6.

(4) Toronto Raptors vs. (5) Washington Wizards
During the regular season Toronto won all three of their matchups. Will the Wizards surprise again this year in the playoffs? It all depends on Bradley Beal’s health. With him the Wizards have one of the top backcourts in the game. But the Raptors have a pretty good one too. I think the Raptors will devour the Wizards in 6.


Western Conference - First Round:

(1) Golden State Warriors vs. (8) New Orleans Pelicans

Welcome to the playoffs, Anthony Davis! The Brow has the potential to be go down as one of the greatest power forwards ever but in this series he’s simply wading into waves and getting his playoff feet wet before The Splash Brothers wipe them out. The Pelicans are winning one game at most. Warriors in 5.

(2) Houston Rockets vs. (7) Dallas Mavericks

I know the Rockets have a top-10 defense but without Dwight Howard in the middle they’re one of the least daunting second seeds to come out of the Western Conference in recent years. Early in the year, the Mavs were a slightly scary team with a bonafide offense—and then they traded for Rajon Rondo. If he’s still around, the knight guarding the Holy Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade would tell Mark Cuban that he “chose poorly.” That said, Rick “I Am Not a Bald Jim Carrey!” Carlisle is a bad motherfucker of a coach. Just ask Gregg Popovich and his reigning champions who almost went down 3-2 to the Mavs in last year’s opening round. This could be a tight series even with the Mavs sporting a point guard who shot a staggering 45% from the free throw line. I think The Big Battle in Texas will end with Houston in 6.

(3) L.A. Clippers vs. (6) San Antonio Spurs

Oh man, this can be a good one, too. Both teams finished strong at the end of the season: the Clippers have a seven-game winning streak and are 14-1 in their last fifteen games while San Antonio just had an eleven-game winning streak snapped by The Brow and the Pelicans. Along with the Warriors, these are the best teams in the Western Conference—and one is getting knocked out in the opening round. It’s kind of a shame. If I had a dream second-round match for the Warriors, sweet baby Jesus I would have loved to see the Clippers play the Warriors just so I can see more of this:



The Clippers have a mighty starting five but their bench is a joke (Austin Rivers! Lester Hudson! Spencer Hawes!)—and the Spurs are still a team that sports 9-10 players who on any given night can make a significant winning contribution. In a playoff series that’s a significant advantage especially for the greatest NBA coach I’ve ever seen. Spurs in 6.

(4) Portland Trail Blazers vs. (5) Memphis Grizzlies

Two months ago this would have been an awesome matchup. Now I’m kind of meh about it. Back then, the Grizzlies were a team I feared (as a Warrior fan) and the Blazers had a decent defense. Both teams have declined since then. The Blazers lost their best perimeter defender, Wesley Matthews, and Gasol just hasn’t been a dominant offensive force for Memphis like he was earlier in the year. I don’t think Stumptown will have another playoff victory to celebrate this year. The Grizzlies owned the Blazers during the regular season. I don’t think that’s gonna change in the playoffs especially with a banged-up LaMarcus Aldridge. Grizzlies in 5.


Eastern Conference – Semifinals

(1) Atlanta Hawks vs. (4) Toronto Raptors
Although Atlanta won eleven more games during the regular season, Toronto convincingly took the season series 3-1. The Raptors averaged over 107 points per game against the Hawks including a 126-115 shelling in Atlanta. I think Toronto is returning to the Eastern Conference Finals for the first time since Vince Carter’s Air Canada days. Toronto in 6.

(2) Cleveland Cavaliers vs. (3) Chicago Bulls
Thibodeau vs. LeBron. We seem to see this matchup every year in the playoffs. In theory, I think Chicago is the only team in the Eastern Conference that could beat the Cavs but way too many things would have to go right for that to happen. With Rose’s latest injury, I just don’t see it happening. Cleveland in 5.


Western Conference – Semifinals

(1) Golden State Warriors vs. (5) Memphis Grizzlies
Memphis’s frontline of Gasol and Z-Bo can pose problems for the Warriors, but the Dubs dominated the Grizzlies in Memphis a few weeks back. From a physical standpoint I think the Warriors will be tested, but I’m confident we’ll win this series. Warriors in 5.

(2) Houston Rockets vs. (6) San Antonio Spurs
Well goddamn, another big duel in the Lone Star State! Except I don’t think this will be much of series. [With an announcer voice:] James Harden, drives hard into the lane, and he meets a buzzsaw! Spurs in 5.


Eastern Conference Finals

(2) Cleveland Cavaliers vs. (4) Toronto Raptors
Toronto won their first match of the season in Cleveland but the Cavs went on to win the last three of their regular season matchups. This could be a high-scoring series replete with ESPN highlights but I don’t think it will be very close. Cavs in 5.

Western Conference Finals

(1) Golden State Warriors vs. (6) San Antonio Spurs
Dear god, this is the one series I have had the hardest time picking a winner for. I would be shocked if this series is ended in less than six games. The two most likely outcomes I see are the Spurs winning in 6 or the Warriors taking it in front of the Roarcle crowd in 7. It could be a truly epic series. This is where Kerr’s relative inexperience in the playoffs could be the deciding factor because we know Popovich and his staff will push all the right buttons to maximize their probability of winning—and the Spurs are the penultimate veteran team that have endured their share of epic playoff battles. Alvin Gentry’s presence on the Warrior’s bench can be huge in a series like this one.

In the end, I think it might come down to which team collectively wants it more. Last year’s Spurs squad played with great urgency and desire. They sought to avenge their uncharacteristic loss to the Heat in the Finals. They’re all-time champions so it’s in their nature to want to win badly. I don’t think there’s an on or off switch there, but I think the Warriors have the edge here. I think our best players have been around enough to know that an excellent opportunity to win a championship doesn’t present itself often.

Plus, as Tim Kawakami noted in his Talking Points blog back in late January, the Warriors historically good point-differential bodes well for winning a championship. Here’s a list of other great NBA teams with an excellent point-differential and how they fared in the playoffs:

(List of teams with a +10.0 or better regular-season point-differential in NBA history)
1. Los Angeles Lakers, 1971-’72…. +12.3. Regular-season record: 69-13. Result: NBA champion.
2. Milwaukee Bucks, 1970-’71…. +12.3. (Lakers were a few hundreths higher.) Regular-season record: 66-16. Result: NBA champion.
3. Chicago Bulls, 1995-’96…. +12.2. Regular-season record: 72-10. Result: NBA champion.
4. Milwaukee Bucks, 1971-72…. +11.2. Regular-season record: 63-19. Result: Lost in West finals to the No. 1 team on this list.
5. Chicago Bulls, 1996-’97… +10.8. Regular-season record: 69-13. Result: NBA champion.
6. Chicago Bulls, 1991-’92… +10.4. Regular-season record: 67-15. Result: NBA champion.
7. Boston Celtics, 2007-’08…. +10.3. Regular-season record: 66-16. Result: NBA champion.
8. Golden State Warriors, 2014-'15… +10.1

That's quite a historical trend. I think the Warriors will win in 7.


NBA Finals
(1) Golden State Warriors vs. (2) Cleveland Cavaliers

The Warriors have homecourt advantage throughout the playoffs so the central question for this series is a simple one: can the Cavs come into Oakland and win a game against a team that was 39-2 at home? With an all-time great like LeBron I think they certainly can, but I don’t think they will. Now, can the Warriors win in Cleveland? I think that will be an equally tough task. But I think they can: Warriors in 6.

Sweet jesus, I hope I haven’t jinxed the Warriors.

I can’t wait for these playoffs to begin.

How to Obtain Permission to Reprint Lyrics for a Work of Literature

Music has been an integral rhythm in my life so no wonder that was reflected in my memoir. Early complete drafts of my manuscript were littered with musical references, including beaucoup song lyrics. From the beginning my classmates at Saint Mary’s warned me that it was costly to procure permission to reprint song lyrics. I never doubted that, but I also received conflicting information as far as what lyrics I could use for free. Unless my memory is fuzzy—which is entirely possible—I assumed, for the longest time, that I could use up to three lines of song lyrics before I would have to shell out any money to reprint them. Although I was unable to substantiate this in Getting Permission: How to License & Clear Copyrighted Materials Online & Off , or through Internet research, I continued to believe this.

Call it wishful thinking.

Now that my manuscript is being finalized—and after I found out how arduous it can be to attain reprint permission, and how expensive reprint fees can be—I decided it would be good to write an article discussing my experience. I also wanted to provide some tips that can help other writers interested in obtaining permission to reprint lyrics for their work. Also, I found several articles and message boards online that were useful but I didn’t find one article or page that housed all that information. I hope this post can provide that all-encompassing help.

To chronicle my experience in obtaining permission to reprint song lyrics for a work of literature, let’s go back to my manuscript.

The manuscript I submitted to my publisher was peppered with song lyrics. Here’s some examples: in the second chapter of my book I used four lines from a Beth Gibbons & Rustin Man song; a later chapter had an epigraph with lyrics from a Langston Hughes poem; in another chapter I wrote one line from Led Zeppelin’s "In the Light.” In similar fashion I referenced one line of song lyrics from a Metallica song, Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir” and Patsy Cline’s “Crazy.” And that’s just the beginning. I also had two chapters written in screenplay format which incorporated song lyrics into character dialogue. In total, my manuscript contained thirteen instances of song lyric usage. (And my editor, Elise, bless her, combed the entire manuscript to note each instance.)

She also informed me that most music rights holders would insist on charging for permission to reprint lyrics. This was no surprise, but I thought I still might be able to get away with using one single line of music lyrics without having to pay a fee. Although I was still naïve about what financial hurdles lay ahead, I knew enough to know that I was unwilling to pay for the right to reprint all those lyrics in my manuscript.

Once my publisher and I honed in on the song lyrics that we really wanted to keep, I went about crafting a letter template to send to the music publishers. I crafted my own letter from this sample letter template I found through The University of Iowa Press. (Their guidelines from their When You Must Get the Copyright Holder’s Permission and Preparing permission requests sections are succinct and solid; you can check them out here.)

Once I got my permission letter template down, the next step, naturally, was finding the name and contact information for the appropriate music rights holder. I figured it would take some work but be relatively easy.

Boy was I wrong.

In my experience, the most challenging aspect of this entire process was figuring out who the correct music rights holder was. Let me give you one example to demonstrate how challenging this was: The Misfits “Die, Die My Darling.”

Okay, so I sought reprint permission for The Misfits “Die, Die My Darling.” Good place to start—knowing the artist and the song title. From there the all-seeing Eye of Sauron—I mean, Google—directed me to a Wikipedia link which informed me that the song was released in 1984 through Glenn Danzig’s label, Plan 9 Records. Great, Plan 9 Records, here I come! A Wikipedia entry (god bless ‘em; and if you use Wikipedia as much as I do, do the right thing and throw some bones their way) for Plan 9 Records informs me that the label was discontinued in 1995. Its materials were subsequently distributed by Caroline Records—whoever they are. Okay, Caroline Records, here I come! But then the Wikipedia entry for Caroline Records states that their parent company is Universal Music Group. According to the article, “Caroline Records are subsidiaries of Caroline Music, which includes Caroline Distribution and is in turn owned by Universal Music Group.” Doobie doo, so methinks Universal Music Group is the place to contact to obtain reprint rights for The Misfits “Die, Die My Darling.”

Still with me? Good. Because we just got started on the trail.

According to the Eye of Sauron, I mean NSA’s bed buddy, I mean Google, “Universal Music Group is the largest music corporation in the world.” Great. Since I had already embarked on adventures through the websites of music conglomerates like Sony Music Entertainment and EMI Publishing I knew it might be challenging to pin down the contact information for whoever manages such permission requests.
In short, my attempt to obtain reprint rights for a song owned by the Universal Music Group took me to an outfit called Hal Leonard Corporation. Who are they? Glad you asked; according to their website, Hal Leonard Corporation is the world's largest music print publisher. What’s there relation to Universal Music Group? I don’t know. All I know is that you have to bark up their tree in order to obtain the music print rights ye seek.

From their Copyright page I was directed to their Copyright Department. It contains handy-dandy links for the types of permission they grant. What I needed was permission to reprint “Lyrics only in a publication.”

Long story short I submitted an online request to Hal Leonard Corporation requesting permission to reprint lyrics from The Misfits song. This happened on October 6, 2014. Their Copyright page states, in big bold letters, “PLEASE ALLOW 4-6 WEEKS FOR PROCESSING,” so I allowed it to slip from my mind. Two months later I received a response. They informed me that “the print rights to ‘Die, Die My Darling’ are controlled by Reach Music Publishing”—whoever they are. The person who sent me the letter was kind enough to include contact information for Reach Music Publishing. By that point, though, my editor and I had already devised a way to retain the chapter and refer to The Misfits song without using any lyrics. I saved myself that chunk of change.

So that’s one song I sought for reprint permission.

There were four other songs I was interested in obtaining reprint permission.

Attempting to find music rights holder can take you into an interweb wormhole especially when you’re dealing with corporations like Universal Music Group and EMI Publishing. Figuring out who owns who is a challenge on its own. Figuring out the proper contact information is yet another challenge.

Thankfully, I was directed to music and performing rights organizations like ASCAP, BMI and SESAC that have searchable repertories/repertoires that can help you identify the correct copyright holder for a song. ASCAP’s Repertory search found a listing for one of the songs I sought reprint permission for, Louis Armstrong’s “Someday You’ll Be Sorry.” Their website provided the contact information for the Music Sales Corporation, the copyright holder for that composition.
The initial permission letter I received from them granted permission for an initial print run of 2,000 cloth copies for $100. Not bad, I thought. But then, my publisher asked me to secure “the nonexclusive right to reprint lyrics from the composition” for up to 4,000 hardback, paper, cloth and electronic copies. The company countered with a fee well over $300 for a print run of 4,000 copies. It was quite a jump from their initial letter. I inquired about the cost if we lowered the print run. I was informed that their fee is dependent on the number of copies.

In the end, I paid over $200 for the right to reprint four lines of lyrics from Louis Armstrong’s “Someday” for a print run of 2,500 hardback, paper, cloth and electronic copies. If I need to obtain permission for additional copies—which I highly doubt—I will have to contact the company to negotiate that fee.

At about the same time I was negotiating this reprint fee for Louis Armstrong’s 1946 song, I was trading e-mails with Metallica’s management, QPrime. I badly wanted to incorporate lyrics from their song, “Bleeding Me,” into my manuscript.

Once I forwarded an e-mail inquiry to QPrime they got in touch with me soon after. Via e-mail we negotiated what I sought and how much a “lyric reprint fee” would be. Before long, I received an e-mail from them stating “confirmation of the client’s approval of the reprint of the lyrics from the Composition,…for gratis for the first 4,000 units sold, MFN with all other lyrics being licensed for reprint in the Book.”

I was beyond stoked. You have to understand that I am a huge Metallica fan. In my letter to Metallica’s management I gushed about how much their music meant to me—that I had been listening to Metallica for over half of my life (true) and that I couldn’t quite conceive of life without their music (also true). Metallica—“the client”—had granted their approval of reprinting lyrics from “Bleeding Me,” a song that still means a lot to me. I was ecstatic about that alone—that a member(s) from one of my favorite bands had presumably read the chapter in which I wrote about how much that song meant to me. And I was positively thrilled that they were granting me the right to use the lyrics FOR FREE for the first 4,000 units sold. I was so excited that I had overlooked that curious acronym,“MFN,” in their e-mail.

So what does “MFN” mean?

Elise, the fantastic Senior Acquisitions Editor at the University of New Mexico Press and her equally wonderful colleague, John (the Director of the press), explained that Metallica’s publishing entity, Creeping Death Music (ASCAP) was willing to give me use gratis for 4,000 copies unless I had an agreement with another company for reprint permission—and happened to be paying said company. In that case, QPrime required that I match the same deal with the highest amount that I was paying another company. In this case, ASCAP sought the same deal that the Music Sales Corporation struck in granting permission for “Someday.” That is what “MFN”—legally known as the Most Favored Nations Provision—means.

So that was a bummer. I should have known better. If something’s too good to be true, it typically is. That’s life.

In the end, I was unwilling to shell out around $500 for the right to reprint two sets of lyrics for 2,500 copies. That would have meant paying about .20¢ per copy for the right to include those lyrics. (Don’t they know I’m a fucking writer, e.g. I’m not loaded with money?) And that agreement was only for the initial copy run. If I ever sold more than 2,500 copies of my book, what would these music corporations charge me for additional copies?

Sigh.

But anywho, to wrap up this post, here are some tips and resources in obtaining reprint rights for a work of literature. I hope they’re helpful. Please feel free to include any other resources in the comments section.


Tips:
• Once you finalize your manuscript, really, really hone in on the lyrics that are indispensable—the ones you need to convey your story.
• If your manuscript will be printed for commercial purposes, figure out how many copies your initial print run will be. In all likelihood, the copyright holders will price the reprint fee based on the amount of copies.
• Give yourself ample time—more than two to three months—to obtain permission. It may take a long time to hear back from these corporations—if they ever respond. (I sent an inquiry to Document Records for reprint permission rights to an old Virginia Liston song. I never heard from them.)  

Resources 

Music and performing rights organizations:
ASCAP: http://www.ascap.com/
BMI: http://www.bmi.com/
SESAC: http://www.sesac.com/

Coping (or Why Do I Wake Up in the Morning?)

“We [human beings] are on a nice downward glide. I call it circling the drain. And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster. And you watch the sink empty. Huish!”
–George Carlin, 2011

Why do I wake up in the morning
Nothing's changed since the day of my birth.
-Mike Muir from If I Don't Wake Up, 1988

Life is tough. Full of pain. Teeming with injustice. Coping is a life skill. As far as I know, our colleges don’t provide courses to help one cope with life in our modern world.

So how does one cope?


Our future is bleak. I think that’s becoming increasingly clear unless you’re one of those humans who believes that evolution is a fiction, that global warming is a falsehood created by liberals and scientists so they can obtain funding for their studies, or that racism no longer exists in the United States. The signs of our inevitable demise, signs that our cameo on Planet Earth is racing to an end, are everywhere; you can’t get much more of a warning than when astrophysicist-genius Stephen Hawking warned in 2010: "Our only chance of long-term survival is not to remain inward looking on planet Earth but to spread out into space. We have made remarkable progress in the last hundred years. But if we want to continue beyond the next hundred years, our future is in space.”

By now, you would have to be the human equivalent of an ostrich, with one’s head stubbornly entrenched in the sand in order not to see all the signs our planet is giving us. Here’s a sampling—and I’m just a hardly informed citizen who reads some online articles:
• The mass die off of bees around the world
• The decimation of our coral reefs at a worldwide scale
• The alarming decrease of plankton—a crucial source of oceanic substenance—in recent years
• The change in migration patterns of countless species throughout the world—in our oceans, in our skies, on our land masses
• The rapid melting of our polar ice caps
• The alarming droughts and subsequent issues of water scarcity affecting major population areas like Brazil and Western United States, which includes California, Nevada, New Mexico, Arizona, and across the Southern Plains to Texas and Oklahoma.

So how do we grapple with this? How can we live with this knowledge and continue to attempt to live some form of a typical existence without imploding, without succumbing to depression, without completing giving up? How can we go on?

Like anything in life, I believe there is no right or wrong. There is no template of thought and action that can work for every single individual. With over 7.3 billion people and counting, our diversity is far too vast for that.

The purpose of this post is to share some thoughts I have on this topic, to share some coping mechanisms that I am trying to develop and hone. Again, this is a haphazard assemblage. I wasn’t formally taught any of these skills, and, last time I checked, I’m not referred to as His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

Lately, there’s been a lot of ugliness in the world—or so it seems to be amplified since the Internet can almost instantaneously connect us to happenings in practically any corner of our planet. Ferguson, Missouri. The police murder of Eric Garner. The fact that these police murders of our black brothers and sisters continue to happen—and it seems like there’s always a new instance of it. The seemingly neverending conflict in Gaza. The 46 students from Iguala, Mexico murdered, in all likelihood, by the Federal police. The massacre of over 2,000 people—mostly women, children, and the elderly—in Baga, Nigeria. All the ISIS beheadings. The outbreak of ebola in West Africa. I could go on and on and on and on and on.

A few months back, when I developed a fleeting obsession of Joseph Campbell, I heard that he didn’t read a newspaper for 28 years. (He also saw few films during that time, which I consider appalling.) I have tried to find an interview in which he states why he chose to ignore the news in his time but have been unable to. Whatever his reasons were, I can hardly blame him. What is the point of keeping up to date with the news? I’m speaking for myself on this one, but do we really need to read the news or watch our daily newscast (which I equate with propaganda, or what Bill Hicks said about “the news”) to know that the world we shape is supremely fucked up? Do I need to keep abreast of our news to know that it’s hopeless to believe that we will ever learn to coexist in peace? The answer, of course, is “no.” For similar reasons, I’m on Facebook less (a.k.a. Bragbook, a.k.a. Shitbook, because people—including myself—use it to vent their shit) because I don’t need to log in and see my newsfeed to be reminded of how fucked up our world is.

Which brings me to George Carlin.

A few years ago I became aware of one of his famous quotes: “It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.” I thought it was sort of funny, but I didn’t really get it.

But then the Occupy Movement happened. I saw how much effort our government and police forces expended to undermine and destroy that movement. Then George Zimmerman murdered Trayvon Martin. Reading comments in any online article about the trial was like glimpsing into a hell, so I don't do that anymore. (I have enough anger about how things are. I don't need to feed that fire.) And then Michael Brown was murdered. And again, our inherently racist criminal justice system protected its own and I was left, again, along with millions of other Americans thinking Has any racial progress ever happened on this land?—a land stolen from Native Americans, a land that played host to their genocide which our history books have done a neat job of glancing over, a land that eventually became the United States, a country whose economy was built by slavery. Though I should have given up on my species, like George Carlin wisely did years ago before he died, I finally did after all these recent injustices and atrocities. As Carlin said in his Archive of American Television interview, “the shit is too deep.”

This country is done for. We’re done for as a species. We’ll never change. We’ll never evolve past racism. We’ll never stop using religion or spiritual beliefs to separate ourselves because we’re humans. Despite our outward appearance, despite our modern wardrobe, despite all our fancy gadgets and technology we’re still inherently a tribal beast, and there will always be a human—or group of humans—that will think they’re superior to others. I don’t think that will ever change.

So I’m completely hopeless? Of course I still maintain the right to keep a glimmer of hope. Or, as George Carlin once said: “Oh, they say if you scratch a cynic, you'll find a disappointed idealist. And I would admit, that somewhere underneath all this there's a little flicker of a flame of idealism that would love to see it all—huish—change. But it can't—it can’t happen that way. And incremental change—it just seems the pile of shit is too deep.”



Nowadays I’m trying to cope by stealing yet another page from The Book of Carlin: I’m trying not to have a vested interest in any particular outcome regarding all our madness. Like him, I’m trying to mentally divorce myself from all the injustice and shit we will always have among ourselves. I’m trying to see myself primarily as an observer of how we as a species continue to treat this planet like a fucking rental. (Economist Lawrence Summers once said: “In the history of the world, no one has ever washed a rented car.”) As hard and emotionally impossible as it is, I’m trying not to give a shit. I’m trying not to give a shit about something I have no control over. I know this may make you idealists shake your head at me but I think a part of you can understand how it’s a practical and sane reaction.

That’s how I’m trying to cope. And, of course, love and laughter are necessary tonics. If we’re not living to be with the people we love, to do what we love, what’s the point in waking up?

Drugs, Drugs, Drugs: My 13 Favorite Songs About Drugs

In his classic Relentless show, late comedian Bill Hicks said, “Drugs have done good things for us.... If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor then. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, your tapes and your CDs—and burn 'em. Because you know what, the musicians who made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years? Reeeeeeeeeeal fucking high on drugs.”

Of course, not every great musician we’ve been blessed with did drugs, but Hicks—in my humble opinion—has a point. Many of our greatest musicians did consume drugs at one point or another—to expand their earthly perceptions, to escape from the suffering they bottled inside, or to simply fit in with their scene. Did consuming drugs have a positive effect? From an artistic standpoint, I think it can be generally argued that they must have had some positive contribution. From a personal standpoint, probably not so much. I’ll list a few names for you: Layne Staley. Amy Winehouse. Jim Morrison. Whitney Houston. You get the point.

What is inarguable is that musicians have created some astounding music related to drugs. I’m not necessarily condoning drugs although I do agree with George Carlin that marijuana and hallucinogens are “value changers,” which—in my book—is a positive attribute. (Carlin’s discussion with Jon Stewart about drugs and marijuana and a clip from his Archive of American Television interview is worth seeing.) Drugs are like anything in life—like going to college, or being in a relationship, or having kids—they're not for everyone.

When I suggested this musical post with my homeboy, Justin, he said we were gonna basically write about our favorite songs. Ultimately, he was completely right.

Check out Justin’s list here. And without further ado, here are some of my favorite songs about drugs:

I’m Waiting for the Man – Velvet Underground
“Heroin” is an epic song but I’ve always loved this one more because of the story it paints. This is textbook telling-a-story-through-a-song. (Lou Reed was an English major, after all.) Fuck Paul McCartney and his emotionally vacant let-me-tell-you-a-story songs like “Rocky Raccoon” and “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” (though I do like that number)! Give me a song about a low-life junky going to Harlem to score drugs from his dealer with a nice ‘n dirty distorted guitar for accompaniment! Yes! Yes!

Cold Turkey – John Lennon
I’m not done talking shit about Paul McCartney because now let me tell you why I love this song. “Cold Turkey” is an excellent example of the primary difference between Lennon and McCartney as songwriters. McCartney would have to live fifty lifetimes to ever write an unflinchingly honest song like this one. But not Lennon. No, he would give himself the task of being hyper-personal and vulnerably honest by attempting to convey what it feels like to give up heroin cold turkey. Sure, it’s a musical experiment, but those guitars are pretty nice ‘n nasty, too. Although I hardly ever listen to it, this will always be one of my favorite solo-Lennon songs.  

Angry Chair – Alice in Chains
Alice in Chains’s Dirt is to heroin what Black Sabbath’s Vol. 4 is to cocaine (although AIC’s album does not glorify drug usage like Ozzy did). “Godsmack” is another vicious track about Layne Staley’s troubles with heroin but “Angry Chair” is my favorite. It’s such a dark, violent, and ominous song. Years after he wrote this song, Staley died from an overdose of heroin and cocaine. (His body decomposed for two weeks before the police broke down his door.) Crank the speakers and listen to this song. It’s kind of all unflinching there, which is why Alice in Chains with Staley as their front man was an astounding band.

Master of Puppets – Metallica
The title track from their greatest album and probably one of their ten best songs, "Master of Puppets" is the quintessential thrash metal epic. With Cliff Burton in the fold, this track captures Metallica at their peak. Thanks to the album cover, this song may appear to be about the Devil but it's actually about addiction to speed.

Supernaut – Black Sabbath
With songs like “Snowblind” and “Supernaut” Vol. 4 was Sabbath’s ode to coke. In his autobiography Ozzy Osbourne wrote, “that album owed a lot to cocaine.” “Snowblind” may be more overtly about cocaine but “Supernaut” is cocaine personified. Iommi’s riff during the verse feels like the driving, frenetic, teeth-grinding, I’m-fucking-invincible sensation one gets from taking a couple of hearty bumps. (“I want to reach out and touch the sky / I want to touch the sun”) Ozzy himself said, “When I listen to songs like ‘Supernaut’, I can just about taste the stuff.”

Ummmmmm, yeah. Spot on.

Six Pack – Black Flag 
I’ve got a six pack, and nothing to do 
I’ve got a six pack, and I don’t need you!

I like how crappy and lo-fi the production is; it’s classic Reagan-era punk, and Henry Rollins’ lyrics manage a balance between humor and sarcasm. Plus, if this kind of music is up your alley, it’s fun to shout along with the “Six pack” backing vocals.

And in case you’re asking why I have a song about beer on here, don’t ever forget that alcohol is a class 4 narcotic.

Nightrain – Guns N’ Roses
During the production of their classic Appetite for Destruction, the boys from Guns N’ Roses infamously destroyed a rented house on the former estate of filmmaker Cecil B. DeMille. (The band’s A&R rep recalled, “"People were defecating in the sinks. The holes in the floor where the toilets got ripped off were filled with urine. There were half-eaten Whoppers with mold on the wrappers. They would just get in these drug rages and just go berserk.") Of all the songs on that album, I think this one came closest to capturing all that decadent destruction.

God knows when I was in my mid to late twenties this song was playing in my head—or through my iPod headphones—when I was hellbent on pulling a rager. Not proud of that, but it’s the fucking truth.

Mary Jane – Rick James
It’s a delightful song. And the lyrics are minorly brilliant. No musician could top Rick James if they ever tried to write a song about marijuana but make it seem as though it were really about a woman. (Kurt Cobain gave it a whirl with “Moist Vagina,”, which happens to be one of my favorite Nirvana B-sides.)  

Purple Haze – The Jimi Hendrix Experience
Sure, who knows what this song is really about, but I’m betting the family farm that it alludes to the psychedelic experience. I mean, listen to the song and tell me it wasn’t meant to be conducive to the drug experience. That Jimi Hendrix was a genius!  

White Rabbit – Jefferson Airplane

Man, were the 60s good for drug songs or what?

The intro is one of my absolute favorites: the mildly ominous bass, snare drums that sound like the beginning of a journey and then the trippy where-the-fuck-am-I? guitar notes. Sure, the lyrics are about Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland but sweet baby Jesus this song is really about tripping balls. Observe:

And you've just had some kind of mushroom 
And your mind is moving low. 
Go ask Alice 
I think she'll know. 
When logic and proportion 
Have fallen sloppy dead, 
And the White Knight is talking backwards 
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!" 
Remember what the dormouse said: 
"Feed your head. Feed your head. Feed your head"

Dude… reeeeeeeeeeal fucking high on drugs!

“White Rabbit” is the musical call to arms to Timothy Leary’s “Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out.”

Garbageman – The Cramps
A list of my favorite songs about drugs would be incomplete without one from The Cramps. Their frontman, Lux Interior, was all about drugs. And this “one half hillybilly and one half punk” song is The Cramps at their finest: Lux doing his psycho-Elvis best, Poison Ivy laying down some nasty-sounding guitar chords, and a simple beat to allow them to soar.

You slick hipsters can take Johnny Cash and Folsom Prison Blues. (I do own that album—on vinyl—which is probably hipster-y of me.) I’ll take The Cramps playing at the Napa State Mental Hospital any fucking day.

Drug Ballad – Eminem
Now we have digressed to the part of my list where I am totally supportive of getting jacked up. Enter Eminem’s “Drug Ballad,” one of my favorite jams on his epic The Marshall Mathers LP. No need to describe it. Just give it a good listen.

Let’s Get Fucked Up – The Cramps

Wait, The Cramps make my cut twice? And no songs from the post-Rubber Soul Beatles or Stones? (For the record, two of my favorite songs to listen to when I’m high (historically speaking) are “Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite” and “Brown Sugar.”) Before you ask what is wrong with me, tell me, how could I say no to this song (and this studio version doesn't come close to conveying how wild it felt to listen to The Cramps play it live):

Many Shades of Parting – My Favorite Breakup Songs

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. – Jim Morrison

Mi gran amigo and fellow blogscribe, Justin, told me he was writing a list of his favorite breakup songs for Valentine’s Day. I wanted in on the action. Life is full of pain, and what good is it keeping it to yourself? Plus, back when I lived in San Francisco, my Casa 909 household had an outstanding Valentine’s tradition that I still miss; we used to watch cheesy-gory horror flicks, get sauced on vino and heckle the moronic characters behind the television screen, especially when the killer was about to slay a couple of dumb teenagers in the throes of lovemaking. This was great for raucous laughter. Those were the coolest Valentine’s Days I’ve had so I thought this counter-lovey-dovey exercise could be fun, too.


Before I leap into my list, here are my honorable mentions: Si Vos Te Vas by Piero: I love how gracious, emotionally mature, and borderline cheerful this ditty is; a rarity for a breakup song. Most Likely You'll Go Your Way And I'll Go Mine by Bob Dylan: what’s a list of great breakup songs without one from Bobby D? Although I’m not versed in his lengthy catalog, I love how calmly brash this song is. The fuck-you-and-good-luck-to-you sentiment has always been palatable for me. Dionne Warwick’s rendition of Walk On By made my cut because it’s such a catchy song. Warwick’s voice is so sweet it makes the lyrics even more heartbreaking. And finally, Journey’s Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) makes my honorable mentions because ① it’s a fucking awesome song!, ② it helped to get me laid on a first date (San Francisco’s dating scene is good for that), and ③ Steve Perry’s lyrics are kind of amazing; “Separate Ways” is a breakup song that expresses sentiments like “If you must go, I wish you love.” Wtf? That’s great, man! Steve Perry is a rock ‘n’ roll Jesus! And the music video’s so cheesy it’s fucking cool:



If you’re a sucker for exquisite breakup songs like I am, check out my homeboy’s list here. Here are some of my favorite disgustingly sad songs that have helped me get on my feet when my heart’s been broken (like Justin, cheery songs have never made me happy when my spirit’s in tatters, but drowning in my sorrow by listening to sad music has been my way of diluting it from my system), and some songs that awaken those depressing moments from my life:  

The One I Love – R.E.M.


Within this musical genre a palette of distressing human emotions are evoked: disillusionment, pleading, despair, dumb hope, defiance, and good old suffering. Since we’re in the realm of suffering, anger can’t be too far (or as Yoda once said: “Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”) Enter R.E.M.’s “The One I Love.” Although I humbly believe my breakup mix is littered with superb songs, this one’s probably my favorite. How could I not love a song that opens with this deliciously vicious verse:

This one goes out to the one I love 
This one goes out to the one I've left behind 
A simple prop, to occupy my time 

“The One I Love” is my favorite fuck-you breakup song. So simple, so direct, so mean. And it scores extra points since I’ve read that fans who paid to attend a R.E.M. concert—meaning they should be people who are familiar with their music—would slow dance to it because they mistook it for an I-love-you song. (They’re probably also the same impoverished white folks who vote for Republicans.)  

Dreams – Fleetwood Mac


What good would a list of outstanding breakup songs be without one from Fleetwood Mac, let alone without a selection from Rumours, one of the penultimate breakup albums? Of all the songs I mention on this list “Dreams” is the one I listen to the most. "Players only love you when they’re playing" is such a delicious line especially when you consider that Lindsey Buckingham had to play and listen to Stevie Nicks and Christine McVie sing those lyrics. I’ve also always been fond of the sentiment Stevie conveys when she sings "When the rains washes you clean you’ll know." Without question, “Dreams” would be my pick for most beauteous fuck-you song ever.

If You Leave Me Now – Chicago 
In my late twenties I had a blink of a relationship with an ex-coworker named Victoria. One afternoon, we strolled into a restaurant on 24th Street in the Mission. While we waited for our order, this song played. I’m a big slut for soft rock classics so I couldn’t stop smiling while we listened to it. I think I began to croon the “Ooooh no, baby please don’t go” part. We got a kick out of it. And so, although this song is a total breakup song, it informally became our song. In retrospect, that was a huge red flag but it kind of fit since weeks after we began dating I left to wander around South America for two months on a trip I had already planned. Once I returned, we had some fun moments but we also had way too many ridiculous fights because we were both fiery, stubborn people. And so, our song fulfilled its inherent promise.

But I still think it’s a purty song.  

Pero Te Extraño – José José
What would a list of my favorite breakup songs be without one from José José, one of my favorite singers? The saxophone and piano notes sprinkled here and there give the song a loungy feel. The dramatic strings manage to match the emotional heights José José is able to hit in this song. In his youth, at his peak, his voice was simply unmatched. Starting from the 1:25 mark to the end of the song: dear god. No words. It still makes me tear up not because I feel that sadness in the moment but because there will always be a part of me that cannot comprehend how a human being can sing with such emotion and gorgeosity.


Maybe I’m an overly dramatic motherfucker (I suspect so), but this song has always felt peerless in conveying that pure sorrow one feels from a broken heart. If they sold this song as a twelve-inch single, they should have included a small pack of Kleenex to accompany it.

After the Love Has Gone – Earth, Wind and Fire 

Something happened along the way 
What used to be happy was sad 
Something happened along the way 
And yesterday was all we had 

Of all the songs on my list, “After the Love Has Gone” has my favorite lyrics. Every breakup is unique but a big reason why every heartbreak hurts so much is because of the joy that preceded it. The pain of losing a love is amplified because it is all too easy to remember the good times, and to wonder where it all went wrong. This song captures that like few others that I know.

My World is Empty Without You – The Supremes 
 I’ve always loved the intro—how earnest and serious the bass, organ, and drums sound before they give it over to Diana Ross and a beat conducive for defiant dancing. The instrumentation and super-subtle backing vocals provide a perfect backdrop for peak-Diana and her anguished, desperate vocals. The lyrics are so frank and simple; it’s classic, textbook Motown. A few samplings include: And as I go my way alone/I find it hard for me to carry on, or From this old world I try to hide my face/From this loneliness there's no hiding place.

Yup, that’s heartbreak.

I Wonder (Where Are You Tonight) – Aretha Franklin 
For the longest time I never saw what the big deal was about Aretha. I was familiar with her classics like “Chain of Fools” and “Respect” but she didn’t seem that amazing. I understood once an old roommate of mine started playing Aretha Sings the Blues in our kitchen. Man, Aretha was really good, and this is my favorite song on the album. It’s a sparse composition which allows Aretha’s ridiculously beautiful voice to rightfully have the sonic spotlight.  

Crazy – Patsy Cline

Before I turned thirty I used to be absolutely crazy for an ex coworker of mine who had a long-time boyfriend. (It was the only time I’ve been involved in an affair.) On weeknights we drank hard at bars throughout San Francisco. Club 93, a dive bar in SOMA I’ve written about before, was our spot. The bar attracted few patrons so we oftentimes hogged their gem of a jukebox. We hit that bar enough times that one night I became adventurous with my jukebox selections and picked a song from their Patsy Cline disc. I was tipsy at that point but not blackout drunk like I occasionally got on our nights together. I remember sitting on my stool beside The Woman Who Had an Affair With Me and marveling at how perfect the song was for us, particularly the lyrics I'm crazy for trying / And crazy for crying / And I'm crazy for loving you. I even told her it perfectly summed us up! She grinned in agreement. Even then, I must have known that our illicit relationship would fizzle, that she would never leave him for me, but I didn’t want to stop my love for her: her sardonic humor, her kiddie smile, and her midwestern inflection when she said words like “crabby pants,” “douchebag,” or “For Christsakes!”

Since we went our inevitable ways, I’ve discovered more of Patsy’s songs but “Crazy” will always remind me of her.

Broken Heart - Spiritualized
Although I hardly ever listen to it, I think this song is astounding. It feels like a song that should be listened to while high (like the rest of the album), but, at the same time, a song that perfectly encapsulates the all-consuming, all-encompassing veil of numbness that comes from having a broken heart. Can music get sadder than this? In my book: no.

And the lyrics are so precise it’s heartbreaking. The love we have for another is a dream. A broken heart is symptomatic of a broken dream and few things hurt more than feeling it shatter. And I know I’ve been here:

And I'm crying all the time 
I have to keep it covered up with a smile 
And I'll keep on moving on for a while 
Lord I have a broken heart  

Lost Cause – Beck


Here I was, sitting at my writing desk, giving this song a good listen with my headphones when my wife—my sweetheart, mi tesora, the love of my life—strolled in. I still looked at her with this wounded look, and I still felt like I could tear up listening to this song. Yup, this one still cuts deep. And it should. Sea Change was Beck’s breakup album. (Beck recorded the album after his breakup with his longtime girlfriend.) I hardly listen to the album; it’s a real wrist-slasher. Although I’m far more apt to listen to “The Golden Age,” “Guess I’m Doing Fine,” or “It’s All in Your Mind” when I’m feeling empty and blue, this song has always been the one I’ve identified with the most when I was trudging through a breakup (like my last one). Beck’s lyrics, his numb, defeated monotone, are just devastating. And I think many of us have been here at one point or another in our lives:

I’m tired of fighting 
Tired of fighting 
Fighting for a lost cause.  

Against All Odds – Phil Collins
Here’s a true story: I once included this song in a mix I made for my last ex-girlfriend, Blanca. At the time, we were on one of our many rebounds. I thought there was still some hope that we could right our love boat, but a good friend of mine told me this song should never be part of music mix for a good relationship. And she was ultimately right.

It would be an understatement to say that we had a tumultuous relationship. I wasn’t my best version for her. At that critical juncture in my life, I wasn’t in a position to give her my best. Early on in our relationship I was a horrible partner. I used to carry a lot of regret about that. Shit, it’s probably still buried inside me somewhere. In some ways I recovered after our first act, became a better partner, but by then it was too late to save our dream although that didn’t stop us from clinging on far longer than we should have. This song captures all that for me—which is why I never listen to it.

 

Still Loving You – The Scorpions
The greatest power ballad ever? Of course, that’s completely subjective, but it would be my choice. It’s such a quintessential breakup song: super-emotional to the point of being operatic; an incredible vocal performance (Klaus Meine ist die Scheiße!); brimming with longing, regret, and suffering (If we'd go again / All the way from the start / I would try to change / The things that killed our love, or the song’s peak when Meine shouts “I’m still loving you”), and it scores a fucking ten on the emotionally cathartic chorus scale.

What About Me? Clown Without Pity's 2015 Super Bowl Pick

A semi-significant part of the fun in following a sport is making predictions. It also happens to be conducive to shit-talking, which is fun.  Just ask Tom Brady.  Or Richard Sherman.

Since it’s the last game of this infamous NFL season, I figured I’d lay down my prediction for all ten of you who are going to read this before the big game. 


On paper, Seattle’s the safe pick. Great defenses tend to beat good offenses. Tom Brady, Mr. Gray Hoodie, and The Greatest Show on Turf know that. Teams with the top-ranked scoring defense are 15-5 in the Super Bowl, 7-1 since 1990. 23 of the 48 Super Bowl victors have fielded a top-3 defense.

I’ll try to keep my un-expert analysis of this game brief. Basically, whoever wins the battle between New England’s offensive line versus Seattle’s front four will probably win this game. Put another way: if Seattle’s pass rush doesn’t show up again, they’re not going to repeat as champions. Belichick is far too wily and aggressive to squander a game like Mike McCarthy did in the NFC Championship. For me, that’s the key question for the Super Bowl: will New England’s offensive line give Brady enough time to pick apart Seattle’s defense?

On the other side, it’s hard to imagine Russell Wilson—who I would still include in a top-5 list of Quarterbacks You Would Want to Run Your Offense If Your Life Depended On a Victory—having another awful game. He might never throw four picks in a game again. However, I think the NFC Championship game showed us that you don’t necessarily have to shut down Marshawn Lynch to beat the Seahawks; you have to stop Russell Wilson from making plays. With Clay Matthews Jr. primarily used as a spy, the Packers held Wilson to an underwhelming 25 yards on 7 carries in the championship game, far below his 7.7 yards per-carry average during the regular season. Belichick will probably have a combination of Jamie Collins and Dont’a Hightower keeping their eyes on him. They’re smart, capable players. Collins ran a 4.64 40-yard dash at his combine while Matthews ran a 4.67, so he has the speed to contain Wilson from gallivanting about the field.

Plus—we’ll see if I’m right—but I have a feeling this will be a game when the Seahawks will sorely miss having Percy Harvin or speedy rookie Paul Richardson at their disposal. Their lack of talent at the skill positions can make this another long day for Russell Wilson. Belichick will likely put Revis Island on Doug “No One Respects Us!” Baldwin while a combination of former PEDhawk Brandon Browner and Kyle Arrington should keep Jermaine Kearse from going wild over the top. Lynch can get his yards as long as the Patriots don’t let him bust some long Beast Mode runs. The key is eventually getting Seattle into third-and-longs and containing Wilson. If the Patriots defense can do that, I can see Wilson having another poor performance.

Against the statistical trends I outlined above, I’m picking New England. Last year’s Seattle defense was something else; they pressured quarterbacks at a much higher clip than this year’s defense. Last year’s defense should be in the conversation of best ever; they were right up there with the best defenses I've witnessed: the 2000 Baltimore Ravens and the 2002 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. With significantly depleted depth at defense line in comparison to last year’s roster, I think they’re a vulnerable #1 defense.

Prediction: New England 27, Seattle 20 

I’ve Been Looking for a Song That Feels Like You For Some Time – My Top 10 Jimi Hendrix songs

Let me start off with a story.

Two and a half years ago Mari and I were riding a shuttle back to Cusco. We had just visited Machu Picchu. Our tour guide, Simon Puma, must have asked about our impressions. I told him that I thought Machu Picchu would be the most epic place to hold a rock concert at night. I could imagine thundering power chords, pounding drums and resounding wails echoing off of Huayna Picchu, the wave of sound cascading about El Valle Sagrado de los Incas for a thousand nights. I didn’t tell all this to Simon, but I thought something like it. I did tell him that I thought it would be awesome to blast some Hendrix from Machu Picchu at night.

“¿Quien?” he asked.

“Hendrix,” I said. “Jimi Hendrix?” (though I gave his name Spanish inflection and pronounced it “Yimi.”) 

 “Never heard of him.”

My eyes widened. My jaw did not figuratively drop. It dropped. Simon was my age. He wasn’t born yesterday. He cavorted with tourists from around the world on a daily basis for many years. How could he possibly have never heard of Jimi Hendrix.

Mindblowing!

Still is.

Although Hendrix left the third stone from the sun nearly 45 years ago, I still can’t fathom how someone in my age range has never heard any of his songs, or even heard of his past existence. Hendrix is still a god. As long as we’re around to remember them, gods never die. I suspect James Marshall Hendrix never will.

Now that I’ve got Hendrix’s mythically-proportioned dong and balls out of my mouth, let’s get down to brass tacks—my top 10 Yimi songs on my 35th pony ride. And if you really dig Jimi, please do your brain a kind favor and check out my homie and fellow blogsmith Justin Goldman's Top 10 Hendrix list. It's a beaut.

10. If 6 Was 9
Number #10 is always a brawler, a seducer in order to muscle past other strong contenders. For me, this song fits that bill. For a Jimi Hendrix tune it’s a strange one. No typical inferno of a guitar solo. Jimi’s spoken words two-thirds of the way through. The Indian flute in the outro. The musical disintegration at the end, which is the perfect ending. (It was Noel Redding’s idea to end the song with all three of them going into separate time signatures.) It was an excellent song to tie up Side A of Axis: Bold As Love. And it has one of my favorite Hendrix lyrics: “Fall mountains, just don’t fall on me,” which could serve as the song’s thesis statement, akin to one of George Carlin’s most sage beliefs: “It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.”

To boot, one of my memoir chapters is a riff of this song title. It’s gonna be fucking cool to see that chapter heading in print, like a teeny homage to my boy, Yimi.

9. Hey Joe 


In my early twenties Hendrix’s The Ultimate Experience was on steady rotation while I drove around my hometown of Fremont. One song I typically skipped was “Hey Joe.” I think it was played out for me. If I wasn’t listening to my CDs I often listened to the hard rock on 92.3 KSJO; “Hey Joe” was one of the few Hendrix tracks they would play; maybe that’s why I felt like the song was played out?

But now that I’m encroaching borderline old-fart territory I can hear and feel the sheer emotional power behind this song. There is something haunting about Hendrix’s opening guitar play. I think “Hey Joe” is arguably one of Jimi’s best vocal performances; he sings the lyrics with heartfelt emotion. My arm hairs sometimes stand up when he wails “I’m goin’ way down south, way down where I can be free.” It’s easy to see how this was the song that brought Hendrix to Britain’s attention. And the rest is history.

8. Highway Chile

“Highway Chile” has one of my favorite all-time intros; the first note is instantly recognizable. And the first verse; it’s fucking awesome:

His guitar slung across his back 
His dusty boots is his Cadillac 
Flamin' hair just a blowin' in the wind 
Ain't seen a bed in so long it's a sin

I’ve always dreamt of this song being a film. Probably the closest Hendrix ever got to penning an autobiography. And I have no idea how many times I sung this song while I used to cruise around in my piece-of-shit-but-steady Toyota Corolla. It was a lot.

And the solo—man. It’s not a piece of virtuoso work but it’s perfect. Every. Single. Fucking. Note. After all these years I am still in awe of its simplicity. I know I’ll be ready to bow out if I ever listen to this solo and don’t feel my spirit revved up by it.

7. Red House
Jimi showed he could play some mean blues licks with this song that debuted on the UK version of Are You Experienced. I love “Red House” because it’s Jimi playing straight blues. A self-proclaimed half-Tejano/half-redneck friend of mine once astutely noted a key difference between Hendrix’s playing and Stevie Ray Vaughn’s; he said you could hear the blues inevitably creep up in Jimi’s playing while rock was Vaughn’s default even when he was torching a Hendrix solo. I think he’s right. “Red House” feels like a fluid, effortless attempt at a traditional blues song. And Yimi’s solo is gorgeous (and I promise I will talk about Noel Redding and Mitch Mitchell.)

6. Angel 
Growing up this was one of my favorite Hendrix songs to sing along to while I cruised around in my tin can with wheels. From beginning to end I think it’s his greatest ballad. (I really, really love “One Rainy Wish”—until the chorus arrives at the 1:14 mark. That chorus just ruins the song for me.) Mitch Mitchell’s flurry of hi-hat notes beautifully accompanies the airy chords that open the song. And I love how the lyrics and Jimi’s graceful singing makes it sound like a song about a mythic female spirit—or possibly the world’s sweetest girlfriend. (The good people at Wikipedia tell me the song was in reference to a childhood dream Hendrix had about his mother, Lucille, who died two years after his dream.) It’s a purty song.

5. Purple Haze 
Since I was born well after the 60s, and, thusly, have always been reliant upon books, films, photography and music to conjure that era—the penultimate turning point in this country—I can’t imagine a full portrait of that intriguing decade without “Purple Haze.” No matter what the song is about—the psychedelic experience or the purple and white colors from Hendrix’s high school in Seattle—it feels like one of those rare period-defining tunes.

From a musical standpoint alone, gadfuckingzooks, 1967 was something else. The Doors debut album was released in January 1967. “Purple Haze” was released in the UK in March 1967; a few months later The Beatles released Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band AND Magical Mystery Tour later that year. In November, Cream put out Disraeli Gears. Jesus fucking Christ, man. Nowadays, we get, what, Taylor Swift, the latest Beyoncé tripe and hipster bands with stupid names that don’t try to mean a goddamn thing like Spoon or Real Estate? Shit, if humanity keeps cranking out mass mediocrity like this, I’ll personally beg a wrathful, vile God to wipe us out.

Anyway, I’ve wildly swerved off on a tangent. But back to “Purple Haze”: it’s a game changer. I suspect the world’s never been quite the same since The Jimi Hendrix Experience birthed it. Our realm of musical possibility was single-handedly raised within those two minutes and forty-four seconds.

4. Voodoo Child (Slight Return)
Speaking of single-handedly raising the realm of human possibility, “Voodoo Child (Slight Return)” really does that. Hendrix’s otherworldly outro solo sounds like it was directly miked into The Big Bang, the force that created everything. Just straight up unreal playing. No one but Jimi Hendrix could have conjured that song, that sound, that playing. Just give it a listen if you don’t believe me.



3. House Burning Down
By this point of the list my only rational attempt at ranking these songs is by treating it like a Stranded on a Desert Island scenario—like if I was stranded on a remote island for the rest of my life and could have only one Jimi Hendrix song on a music-playing contraption, which one would it be?

This is a worthwhile time to mention that I’m an atheist—in practice (agnostic in theory). Why do I mention this now? Because I don’t believe in an afterlife. I think the afterlife is a custom-tailored concept for wusses. Death hurts. A lot. It’s confounding and horrible for the mind to think that a loved one will never ever be present again. But come on, life is full of pain; it’s what makes life. Consider the meaning powering the phrase, “That’s life.” I’m fairly sure once we’re dead that’s it: kaput. End of the show. Thank you very much ladies and gentleman; I hope you had a fun ride. Please exit the theater. The show is over. No encores. I imagine it’s like turning a television off (or shutting down your computer to that blank, black screen if computers happen to be your preferred household appliance).

Well—with all that said—I really, really wish my last moments could feel exactly like 3:44 to the end of “House Burning Down.” I really, really wish it could feel like that though I’m sure it will be exceedingly less astounding, or pleasureful. It’ll probably be quite the opposite, but you know what, I don’t care! With a touch of a button I can play this song as much as I want and feel like I’m listening to a universe implode to make way for a new one. (Did I mention Noel Redding’s bass playing is fantastic on this song?) It’s songs like “Voodoo Child (Slight Return),” “Purple Haze” and “House Burning Down” that gives some credence—as far as my atheist ass is concerned—that Jimi Hendrix could have been a fucking alien.

2. Little Wing 
I think everyone’s top 10 list of Jimi Hendrix songs has this gem. It’s, you know, just another otherworldly Jimi Hendrix song but in a far different manner than his other ditties. The twinkling glockenspiel is a whimsical touch throughout. Slow songs and Jimi’s playing go well together like homemade waffles and powdered sugar. “Little Wing” feels like a two and a half minute lullaby from the heavens, from a place sundered of all the suffering humans cause one another. At its highest, music is like magic. “Little Wing” = magic.

1. All Along the Watchtower
The cover of Bobby D’s classic is a song that always gives me pep. What an astounding cover. Hendrix sings Dylan’s lyrics as though he penned them. His guitar playing—particularly the fills between verses—evokes the fable-like lyrics in a way Dylan’s original musical composition couldn’t. And Hendrix’s solos are just exquisite. Mitchell and Redding provide a rhythm section on par with Yimi’s clinic on What an Electric Guitar Can Do; the bass line, in particular, is pretty sick. (I’ve seen the tablature. And the good people at Wikipedia tell me that Hendrix recorded the final bass part after a dissatisfied Redding left the recording session so who knows how much of it is all Jimi and The Mitch.) And those sliding guitar notes between the 2:00 – 2:15 mark: sweet baby Jesus! Listening to them always makes my head feel wobbly, like it’s about to float off into the nebuli.

If an extraterrestrial life form ever visited us on Planet Earth—or if I could’ve played one song to Simon Puma to fully demonstrate the musical capabilities coursing through Jimi Hendrix’s veins—without question “Voodoo Child (Slight Return)” or “All Along the Watchtower” would be fine choices.

The Honorable Seven: 

Hear My Train A Comin’ - BBC Sessions: I love the boisterous energy from all the band members on this track—and from their “friends laying around here in the studio.” It sounds like Jimi, Noel, and Mitch were on epic-full-on-fucking-horndog mode for this recording—like they’re playing with titanic hard-ons whilst thinking of all the fuckin’ they’re about to have in a matter of minutes once the recording session is finito. (In fact, it sounds like Noel Redding creams himself at the 2:01 mark.)  Their fun is absolutely infectious. And Jimi’s solo is fucking searing. All live. All one take, man.

Machine Gun: So, um, my name is Juan. I’m 35 ½ years old and I just listened to “Machine Gun” for the first time in my attempt to compose this list. It’s an astounding live recording. Buddy Miles: fuck, man. Motherfucker should have sung the entire song. Just when the song could peter out his vocals take the song to another level. And the drums at the end coupled with Miles’ helicopter-machine-gun fading out—it’s performance, it’s music, it’s simple, and it’s raw. Sent a shiver through me the first time I heard it.

Spanish Castle Magic: God I love this song. Mitchell’s drumming is on. And the first verse pretty much has my favorite Hendrix lyrics: It’s very far away / It takes about half a day to get there / If we travel by my—drag ‘n fly. ¡QUE TREMENDO! Oh, how I love you, veiled 60s drug references! I bow to you! (My favorite subtle 60s drug reference will always be the Getting-Stoney-Baloney 1965 version of The Beatles recreating a drag from a joint throughout Lennon’s “Girl”—which they follow with the backing vocals of “Tit tit tit tit tit tit tit tit” during the chorus. Oh, John, you bad, bad boy!)

 Oh, and the rest of the song is pretty nifty—while riding a dragonfly or not.

Gypsy Eyes: Though ridiculously simple, Mitch’s drum track is snappy. The bass and guitar swagger and swerve throughout. Jimi’s distorted vocals are a neat change—and the unusually clean guitar sound during the verse makes this song further distinct in the Hendrix catalogue. Jimi’s soloing on this song sounds like Albert King at times. This is all good in my book.

Stone Free: Fucking love the opening bass line. It’s got a seductiveness to it; it’s a few notes shy of being a top-shelf porno bass line. Jimi’s scaled-back guitars perfectly accentuate them. One of my favorite Jimi tracks to shout along with. (In fact, I’m penciling this onto my fading karaoke go-to list.) Though he’s never gonna be inducted into any Hall of Fame for his singing, Yimi’s vocals on this track are solid and vigorous—as though they alone could impregnate a fertile woman within sonic proximity.

Foxy Lady: Dude, what more needs to be said: The Jimi Hendrix Experience. Foxy Lady.

If Hendrix never wrote another good song this one alone would’ve gotten him plenty of dick action for the rest of his life. Even if he lived well past 27.

Purple Haze - BBC Sessions: Live renditions that match an astounding studio recording of a song are rare, in my humble opinion. In some ways, I feel like this live version surpasses the one recorded on Are You Experienced. The raw power of The Jimi Hendrix Experience is on full display here; just three young chaps in a studio, and just listen to what they create. They were the real deal. And they arguably had the coolest hair of any rock band. Just look at these motherfuckers! (The only band that could give them a run for their money in the Bad-Motherfucking Hair Department was Lenny Kravitz’s lineup with Craig Ross and Cindy Blackman.)

Jimi’s live vocals are surprisingly strong (which they often aren’t in live recordings compared to his studio work). Hendrix’s guitar sounds so nice ‘n nasty on this track. His post-solo playing—especially from 2:55-2:59—is sick; been causing my head to shake in awe while I whisper “Fuck, man” for about half of my lifetime now.

And counting.