(Nice Dream)

Chez Janou (Paris) by Guillermo Fdez

This morning I had a vision I didn’t want to wake from. I dreamt I stepped into a hipster-y Bay Area pizzeria for lunch. My subconscious applied the coronavirus filter: when I stepped into the small restaurant, I immediately peered around to see how many people were inside, how large the space was, and if people were wearing facial masks. And when the seater approached, I asked for a table and knew that I shouldn’t be in there because I have an unvaccinated child back home.

No one—including the wait staff—wore facial masks, but I still sat down at a table for two beside a counter where pizzas were prepared before going into a brick oven. This was unlike other anxiety dreams I’ve had throughout the pandemic in which I have dreamt of inhabiting an unfamiliar house that is descended upon by a horde of unmasked people, or walking through a public space where others aren’t masked. Those dreams ended shortly after I would be immersed in a crowd of unmasked folks, and I would awaken with a sense of fear and dread. This dream was different because I willingly stayed in the public space, unmasked.

I felt a mixture of emotions as I sat at the table and glanced at their tabletop menu: glee, excitement, uncertainty, a tinge of anxiety, and an overwhelming sense of reprieve. The sun gleamed through the entrance, the door kept ajar. I felt peaceably awash in the sea of chatter from fellow diners. During the entire pandemic, I have eaten inside a restaurant only once, this past June, when summer was in full swing here in the Bay Area and it undoubtedly felt like the worst had passed us. But with B.1.617.2 circulating throughout our region, this country, and our beloved planet, I don’t feel safe doing that again. Not while my son doesn’t have the opportunity to get vaccinated.

Since last year, an annus horribilis, I've told a few folks that this pandemic will be over for me when I feel safe going into a karaoke bar without a mask. At this juncture, I doubt that will ever feel 100% safe again. I’d just love to be able to go back into restaurants to eat and converse with friends and loved ones in the company of others.