Here's my top five music videos from the 80s:
5. Judas Priest “Breaking the Law” (1980)
5. Judas Priest “Breaking the Law” (1980)
Why I Love This Video:
Rob Halford has hair! I like the shot of him in the backseat of the car dramatically delivering his lines. This shit could be out straight out of a Spanish soap opera.
When Judas Priest storms the bank totting the guitar cases like guns. It's a fun and cheesy touch. Plus, I love the symbolism. Like Def Leppard’s “Rock of Ages” as well as one of the songs in my honorable mention, the rock guitar overtly symbolizes a weapon. In “Breaking the Law,” their music is akin to the truth that the strata of conservative, older British citizens didn’t want to accept about the social problems tied to their youth and lack of employment opportunities. The shattering of the man’s glasses at the 0:48 mark alludes to that, methinks.
I love how the band is basically delivering a sermon about youth angst tied to unemployment. “Breaking the Law” finds the young rock gods railing against authority, against conformity. This is rock ‘n’ roll at its root—or at least what it should be.
When Halford holds up the gold record and shatters the security cameras between the 1:37 – 1:42 mark.
It’s kind of thrilling when the band piles into the car for the getaway just before the guitar solo. It looks like it was fun to film.
The shot of Halford and the band playing in the back of a car on the freeway (or whatever they call them in Britain) is pretty fucking cool. That’s no green-screen-studio shot! This is raw. This is rock distilled.
Favorite Part:
When the sleepy guard—the video’s supposed authority figure, infected and perverted by the shattering spirit of rock—picks up a cardboard cutout of a Jackson V guitar and proceeds to execute what might possibly be the cheesiest and awesomest air guitar solo committed to film. For me, the absolute delightful peak of the song is seeing him rock out to the Priest.
4. Olivia Newton-Johns’ “Physical” (1981)
Why I Love This Video:
If you haven’t figured this out already, I’m a bit of a perv, so it should be no surprise that one of my favorite things about this tawdry yet silly music video are all the close-up shots of Olivia Newton-John’s lusty face while donning a headband. Something about those shots feels so right.
The vibrating tush shot of a guy at the 0:13 mark is hilarious. (Conventions are being flipped around!) It’s one of several what-the-fuck-is-going-on-here? shots in the opening montage.
The look she gives to those bulging biceps at the 0:27 mark is fucking hilarious! Holy cow, this song sung by a woman is all about sex!
“There’s nothing left to talk about unless it’s horizontally” is still one of my favorite lyrics of all time. (I think it’s worth mentioning that two guys, of course, penned these lyrics.)
That twisting-flip shot of Newton-John craning underneath her legs is funny, too. This video is endowed with quirkiness, goofy humor and lust. (In other words, this is like a video made for me!)
The borderline menacing look Olivia flashes during the 1:18 – 1:32 sequence when she starts by singing, “I’ve been patient, I’ve been good” is a treat. She is not dicking around!
Favorite Part:
The multiple hilarious slow-mo shower shots of Olivia Newton-John beginning at the 2:31 mark, of course! Oh sweet Jesus, it looks like soft porn. And frankly, while I watch those shots, I can’t help but think, THIS IS WHY I’M WATCHING THIS VIDEO! Pan down, camera, pan down!—for all that is sweet and wonderful about life! PLEASE PAN DOWN!
3. Journey’s “Separate Ways” (1983)
Why I Love This Video:
I’m no music video scholar, but Journey’s “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)” has to be Level 10 on the ridunkulously-cheesy meter. From the get-go, we’re transported to this cheesy-musical galaxy with the band standing around seemingly playing invisible instruments at some fucking pier for some completely unknown reason before a jump cut to them playing their actual instruments. You know this shit is going to get weird with an opening like that.
The god-awful sports coat worn by the keyboardist. Coupled with his hair, it’s so bad it’s awesome.
All the dramatic close-up shots of Steve Perry turning to the camera and belting out the lyrics is pretty fucking hilarious. (Did the music video director previously work on Spanish soap operas)
When Jonathan Cain plays an invisible keyboard alongside Steve Perry like he’s digging a hole in his garden at the 0:55 second mark is beyond hilarious.
The shot of the band singing on top of some picnic tables for the potent chorus is an excellent accompaniment.
The bassist’s pornstache. Combined with his aviators—remnants of the 70s—he looks like a dude who’s into midget porn.
The shot of the four turning to sing to the camera at 2:45 is Level 10 seriously cheesy shit (and I love it!)
Favorite Part:
The tracking camera shot during the solo when the creepy bassist stalks up to the camera and does this gruff mustache thing like he’s going to eat the camera which is followed by the one undoubtedly fucking cool shot of the video when the keyboardist slides his hand along the keys to flick the camera even though it doesn’t match the music. The solo ends with a nifty, cathartic montage that matches Perry’s wailing.
2. Ratt’s “Round and Round” (1984)
Why I Love This Video:
I like how the story of this music video is crafted throughout. It opens with the decadent dinner scene and the butler nodding at the shadowy figures of the band creeping outside. In a matter of seconds, the viewers are in on the game—the old butler is hip to the times. And he’s part of a rock ‘n’ roll coup d'état! The smooth dissolve to the band playing in the attic is demonstrative of the storytelling chops of this director.
Two words: Milton Berle. He plays the uptight master of the mansion and he’s dressed in drag! (His entrance in drag is at the 0:40 mark.) His self-tittie grab at the 0:54 mark alone takes this Ratt video to a higher level.
The kind of hot, pale gothy young woman.
All the clever build-up moment to the music video’s peak moment: when she notices the butler is wearing a spiked leather wristband; when the butler traps a rat under the serving lid; the music blaring upstairs; the dust falling from the ceiling. “Round and Round” is not your typical music video in which a dizzying plethora of shots are cut and patched together to mesmerize the audience. A story is weaved in this video.
The canted shot of the stairwell leading upstairs to the attic. The light symbolizes the mysterious allure and power of rock.
Later, when the young woman goes upstairs—like Adam & Eve eating from the forbidden tree—she strips down to a bizarre, Ghostbusters-like white to dance to their music. The underlying message from this video is thus complete: rock is transformative. Rock is carnal. Rock is sex. Rock is sin. And rock is fun.
When lead singer Stephen Pearcy licks his lips and snaps his fingers at the camera between the 4:11-4:13 mark. (I must admit, I have practiced that move while watching this video.)
Favorite Part:
The sequence beginning with the traitorous butler serving the plate full of rats right before the guitarist leaps and breaks through the ceiling to literally crash the dinner party and rip a solo on the table. The funniest part is when the guitarist points up to the attic at the 2:41 mark to turn the solo over to the other guitarist.
1. Motorhead’s “Killed By Death” (1984)
Why I Love This Video:
“Killed by Death” has the greatest music video intro ever. Again, I do not purport to be a music video scholar, but I am not welcoming any arguments on that. Let’s break down this epic intro:
First, look at those hideous tiger-striped pants the young harlot is wearing! Then the blatant bra-less nipple shots. Her dad’s missing teeth. (He looks like he used to be a tight end.) The dynamic of youth rebellion is set within a matter of seconds—and then the big bad wolf comes roaring into their drab suburban home riding a motorcycle through the dry wall, snatching his naughty Red Riding Hood before proceeding to sneer and flip off the camera right before they crash through another wall. GREATEST. INTRO. EVER! (If an alien from outer space ever came to earth inquiring about Lemmy Kilmister, that sequence would sufficiently sum him up.)
The usage of split screens is classic 80s shit.
Who can forget the lusty motorcycle ride!
The standoff between Lemmy and his crew and the cops is nice and cheesy. Lemmy essentially becomes Metal Jesus when he takes all the shots from the police at the 2:23 mark. He survives a heroic volley of shots before being dragged to an electric chair like an invincible slayer. Lemmy dies for us metalheads so we can have music to rock out to.
The shot of Lemmy, still donning his rebel aviators whilst sitting on the frying chair as sparks fly from his head starting at the 3:01 mark is pretty fucking cool.
The creepy shots of Lemmy’s spectre starting at the 3:09 mark perfectly accompanies his ghoulish “Killed by death” lines.
Favorite Part:
The intro of the song is my favorite part of this video, but “Killed by Death” also boasts the most bad-ass resurrection when Lemmy roars out of his grave riding his motorcycle. It’s pretty fucking ridiculous and awesome at the same time. Mayhem at the nighttime funeral ensues, and Lemmy and his girl go riding off into the pitch dark night while the video ends with him sticking his tongue out and flashing an I’m-going-to-get-epically-laid smirk.
Greatest 80s music video ever.
Honorable Mentions
Killing Joke “Eighties” (1984)
From the shots of their androgynous (and kind of gorgeously hot) guitarist, the drummer’s curly eightiesque mullet to the montages featuring shots of 1980s era cunts like Reagan, Thatcher, and Ayatollah Khomeini, this is a defining 80s song and video. “Eighties” feels like a war cry for the working class. Jaz Coleman’s “I have to push, I have to struggle!” lyrics make his perception of the 1980s sound all too reminiscent to our present (because some shit doesn’t change).
Aldo Nova “Fantasy” (1982)
“Fantasy” makes my cut for honorable mentions because 1) it’s a bad-ass song with a nice & dirty riff, 2) because, dude, Aldo Nova owns that full-length leopard suit. HOLY SHIT! That’s some ballsy shit, man—and for a Canadian rocker!, 3) like other songs in my top-10 list, there is potent visual symbolism that shows the might and power of rock, as demonstrated in the 1:18 – 1:22 mark when Nova uses his guitar like a futuristic cannon to shoot a laser beam at a door. (I love that cheesy shit!) This song and video has some undeniable moxie.
The Jets “You Got It All” (1986)
I’ll be honest, about 90% of the reason this video makes my honorable mention is because I have a stifling weakness for Elizabeth Wolfgramm. Historically speaking, I have also had a weakness for cute waitresses, so this video cuts deep on two levels. Plus, it’s such a great song. (I also love “Make it Real,” which is The Jets version of Michael Jackson’s bare production in “Rock With You” except with these quintessially cheesy video effects that scream 80s just when personal computers began to invade the world.)
Rick James “Give It to Me Baby” (1981)
In the tradition of Smokey Robinson, Rick James pens a great story, and the video is a funny depiction of it.
Dokken’s “In My Dreams” (1985)
Another great 80s hard rock song. Straight Americana. The slow-motion shots of the band playing beneath a shower of rain is iconic (at least for me). And George Lynch is a bad motherfucker of a guitarist. His solo between the 2:09 – 2:39 mark is some wicked shit. (Bash mainstream music from that era all you please, but artists like Dokken had legit musical talent, which is something that can’t be said about much mainstream music nowadays.)
And Lynch’s hair.
Man.
Eighties!
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