 |
| Ralph Wolf and Sam Sheepdog punching in for work |
This is the last of my two-part series detailing many of my learnings from working for the big, big money:
16. Office Assistant
-that truckers are a special breed of people (and probably excellent company for bullshiting and drinking)
-that traveling salespeople seem to operate with an inflated sense of hubris
-that salespeople can be assholes and charming at the same time
-that there is something severely depressing about dimly-lit office cafeterias with a poorly stocked vending machine that hums loudly
-that people working inside an office often look upon people working out in the warehouse as a different breed of human being
-that people working out in the warehouse often look upon people working inside an office as a different breed of human being
-that I have a knack for adapting the way I talk and interact to both groups
-that I have a fondness for manual time clock machines
-that I have an absolute and almost complete weakness for an attractive superior
17. Videographer
 |
| self-portrait as a super-serious videographer, age 22 |
-that filming weddings for a living quickly saps the luster out of such extraordinary happenings
-how to wolf down dinner at a wedding reception in a few minutes
-that executing a rack focus is a ninja skill!
-that, even though I no longer believe in an omniscient god, I feel weird about going #2 in a church
-how to drive while constantly consulting map directions without crashing (this was back in the days of MapQuest)
-that getting married on a beach or “out in nature” (as we call it) can be quite refreshing
-that Filipinos are serious when it comes to the Electric Slide
-that Jewish folks know how to fucking party at bar and bat mitzvahs
-that Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” is a very popular song at receptions—at least in the San Francisco Bay Area
-that most women are seriously infected with that fantasy of having a lavish wedding—and that indoctrination, which begins when we’re children, is a powerful, persuasive message
18. Post Production Supervisor
-that video editing without using computer shortcuts will destroy your wrist in little time
-how to mouse fluently with both hands
-that the right song synced to a collage of pictures can easily pack an emotional punch
-that it’s fun when the groom gets drunk before the wedding ceremony and you have him miked to a wireless microphone whose audio footage you can listen in on
-that shooting a live event with multiple cameras and a director can be pretty fun
-that audio/video production lures dorks
-that a crossfade is a simple yet elegant transition
-that it’s fun to edit in a single frame of subversive messages (like “War is Peace” or “Self-improvement is masturbation”) into the SMPTE leader at the beginning of a master tape recording
19. Residential Counselor
-that my 24-year-old self was not cut out to boss around teenagers, let alone ones with deep psychological issues
-that our foster care system is fucked
-that it’s absolutely devastating and life-altering when a child is abandoned by a parent early in life
-how to cook a mean homemade mac ‘n cheese
-how to efficiently chop vegetables
-that the color of a wall can affect our emotions and interactions in such spaces
-how to drive a family-sized van
-that futons can make for comfy sleeping
-that I see and consider too many gray areas in life to be an effective autocrat of a disciplinarian
-that I’m probably too sensitive to be an effective direct provider of healthcare services
-that evil spirits may inhabit this world (and possess people), and/or that a split-personality disorder can be seriously fucking warped
-that this was the most difficult job I have ever had
20. Staffing Consultant
-how to lie to strangers on a daily basis over the phone and to their faces once you know and have chirped The Script enough times
-that said lying is not something that makes me feel good about myself but I was capable of repeatedly doing it for a paycheck
-that there is uncanny merit to standardized personality tests
-that—incredibly enough—folks do record 10-30 seconds of a rap or hip hop song at the beginning of their voicemail recording even when they’re searching for a new job
-that it’s fun to record a gangsta rap song at the beginning of your voicemail before you launch into your prerecorded message
-that your mother will be confused by your voicemail recording and not appreciate it on the level that you do
-that employers can and do legally discriminate against convicted felons, even when the applicant is a great fit for a job
-that I enjoy interviewing people, and that I get a real kick out of the mental-intuitive-puzzle-work inherent in trying to find the right person for the right job
-that I look snazzy and feel comfy in a sports coat
-that, other than showing up on time and preparing for an interview, the most important thing to do is to physically feel comfortable in your chair
-that it can be a reprieve to be fired from a job that isn’t right for you
21. Office/HR Administrator
-that most nonprofits in the San Francisco Bay Area are indeed teeming with women
-that dating a coworker can be a delightful endeavor
-that a mission-based organization is one that will inevitably attract folks who are personally invested in their work—and it’s humbling and inspiring to be in their presence
-that nonprofits often are places where brilliant people pass up on a lot of money to devote themselves to work they are passionate about
-that people who work in accounting are meticulous and typically folks who follow the rules in life
-that it’s particularly smart to always be in good standing with the person who cuts your check, as well as whoever handles IT at your place of work
-that Costco is the place to buy diapers, toilet paper and bottles of water in bulk
-that Bonne Sante on Broadway in Burlingame pretty much makes the best vegetarian sandwich ever
-that Caltrain is far superior to BART if you’re a daily cyclist
-that domestic violence is a vicious cycle, and that it affects people of every income level
-that patriarchy is a brutal force that has and continues to play a crucial part in fucking up this world
22. Human Resources Assistant
 |
| my second office - self-portrait, 2008 |
-what a quarterlife crisis is (and feels like)
-that I will turn to grad school to run away from a 9-5 existence
-that working a full-time job and studying for the GRE in less than two months while preparing your graduate school application is a fucking grind
-that a U.S. passport = a picture ID + a Social Security Card when it comes to forms of valid identification for an I-9 form
-what “Founder’s syndrome” is
-that people in power make stupid decisions that their underlings often have to go with even when they know it’s stupid
-that it fucking sucks to have to carry two Costco-sized cakes four city blocks on summer afternoons
-that I fucking hate anything that remotely resembles a mandatory birthday celebration in the workplace
-that filing a pile of papers provides a surprisingly great opportunity to plot and brainstorm for creative writing endeavors
-that trivia nights at pubs can be a most excellent after-work activity with like-minded coworkers
-that a so-so or crap job isn’t so bad when you have fun hanging out with cool coworkers outside of work
-that I will tell my colleagues their differing salary ranges if I am friends with them and I’m drunk
-that it’s rare to find a group of colleagues who regularly hang outside of work
-that potent coffee and an early morning beer shit is about all I need to get over a hangover at work
-that I am adept at working a desk job when I’m hung over (I am not bragging; it’s not a skill I’m particularly proud of)
-what it feels like to be a part of an affair
-that having a continued extracurricular relationship with a coworker can magically turn a so-so or crap job into one you look forward to going to
-that I have a complete and utter weakness for sassy women who can make me laugh
-that I am capable of becoming absolutely smitten with someone primarily over e-mail banter
-that I can’t keep myself involved in an affair, even if later I realized that I had indeed loved her
-that you have to watch out where you step if you work in SOMA
-that bedbugs are nasty, nasty critters
-that I have some serious problems with alcohol
23. Grant Writer
-that it’s impossible to survive in the world of Fund Development unless you quickly develop a thick skin for rejections
-that getting used to rejection in my grantwriting work must have helped me stick to my creative writing endeavors
-that the mental muscles needed for creative writing does not translate to proposal writing (or so I concluded)
-that working in a vast, historic Victorian house that was a former convent makes for an aesthetically interesting workplace
-that it should be a ginormous red flag when a nonprofit organization has constant turnover at their only accounting position—a part-time position, at that
-that numbers can lie because people lie
-that it is incredibly challenging to attain healthy food in West Oakland
-that perfume fragrances are an asthma trigger
-that children raised in West Oakland have a multitude of socio-economic barriers to overcome
-that I would never live in West Oakland due to the disproportionate amount of emissions pollution they receive from the highways surrounding it and the dearth of healthcare providers within the neighborhood (or its vicinity)
-that the average lifespan of people living in West Oakland is significantly lower than folks living in the Oakland hills
-that health disparities are not accidental—they are constructed by policies and civic planning
-that, in general, policymakers do not give a shit about poor people of color in this country, especially poor black folks
24. Writing Center Tutor
-that it’s challenging to teach proper English grammar skills
25. Development Consultant
-that getting people or foundations to give you money is tough
-that the people who best succeed in fund development are those who have the knack for spinning negatives into positives
-that the world of nonprofit philanthropy is not at all different from much of life—and, that is, life never quite evolves from being a popularity contest (like in grade school), and sometimes all an organization needs to garner a slew of funding is to be focused on a relatively hip subject area and reel in one major funder before others are inclined to follow
-that I find it particularly refreshing to work for a small organization if my coworkers are cool folks
-that having a flexible schedule is fucking dope
-that having to complete a 1040 tax form is a goddamn pain
-that a recording studio room is a pretty neat and eclectic space to have as an office
26. Proofreader
-that AOL Online still has an instant messaging app
-that technology, like messaging apps, can further amplify socially awkward skills for people who are already socially awkward
-that I despise workplaces in which basic human interaction, like talking and listening, are discouraged
-that proofreaders are a strange bunch
-that habitually getting drunk while watching an afternoon football game with a fellow coworker can make a Sunday swing shift far more tolerable
-that a person with zero knowledge of football can win an office pool for the NFL playoffs nowadays
-that a hiring manager can make a significant imprint—for good or bad—on the general vibe of the workplace depending on the people they choose to hire
-that some of the scummiest human beings walking this Earth work at huge law firms that represent corporations that have no regard for anything other than producing the largest possible profit
-that, no matter how separate or far down a production chain you are from said scumbag lawyers and corporations and their morally reprehensible work, you are still a part of it. In other words, shit that comes from the top washes all the way down. And shit is shit. Any work that derives from morally reprehensible intentions is still endowed with it; it’s only a difference of degree.
-that—for good or bad—a work culture, even one that spans multiple offices, truly starts with the head honcho
-that if said head honcho is a piece of shit for a human being, their spirit will permeate the entire organization
 |
| pretty sweet to have this view from your desk, though |
27. Proposal Writer
-what a social enterprise is
-that our societies would be more just, and, in all likelihood, more compassionate if most businesses were run with the goals and principles of a social enterprise
-that having a really good boss can make such a positive difference
-that having to directly deal with a CEO who has a bad case of Founder’s Syndrome can absolutely fucking suck (even if you also admire said person)
-that taking work to my home office fucks with the creative energy that space usually carries
-that having a job I don’t really like and being asked to work more than 40 hours per week is a quick, surefire way to persuade me into quitting
-that I manufacture no satisfaction from piecing together a solid, persuasive grant proposal that ultimately does not receive funding
-that sitting down to eat lunch with my coworkers on a near daily basis can be a beautiful thing
-that hoteling requires an adjustment in work style but is practical and cool (in my book)
-that Off the Grid is pretty dope (because yummy food always rules, and temporarily repurposing a nondescript public space can be inspiring and emboldening)
-that sharing a single-user communal bathroom with no windows or ventilation can be a recipe for wretchedness
-that Burning Man occupies not one but two floors of an entire building to administer its annual happening
-that business Spanish is almost its own language
-that my Spanish sucks
-that my first name is much cooler in Portuguese (João!)
28. Community Engagement Program Assistant II
-that having an administrative county job where just about every one is working for a pension makes for a dim, less lively work environment
-that Concord is an absurdly car-centric suburb
-that Concord is a shitty and dangerous place to ride a bicycle as a viable means of transportation
-that the Iron Horse Regional Trail is neat
-that Waikiki Hawaiian BBQ on Willow Pass Road is fucking great!
-that I can work within a quarter mile of a Chuck E. Cheese and not once be tempted to enter through its doors
-that Microsoft Publisher is dope
-that I kind of like shopping at the 99 Cent Store
-that driving a mini-van with multiple passengers through the windy part of Benicia off Highway 80 is a horrible, nerve-racking exercise that I never wish to repeat
-that I have an almost complete weakness for a hot superior but this charm ceases to work when said supervisor is secretive, not collaborative, finicky to the point of ridiculous, and demanding of others in the workplace to simply wield her hierarchal power
-that having a shitty supervisor can absolutely ruin a job
29. Program Associate
-My lawyer has advised me not to complete this section since this is my current employer.
30. Operations Manager
See #29.
No comments:
Post a Comment